You don't kacau me, I won't bite.
That simple.
Most of the time, in my university, I eat alone.
I don't need your pity though,
I'm perfectly capable of eating alone.
And I enjoy it actually, cuz making conversations with people is a pain I think.
These alone time are hard to come by these days,
I'd just prefer to have my meal while thinking, reminiscing and reflecting about myself and some memories which i hold dear.
If you come sit beside me, you interrupt me.
And I just have good enough manners, and some laziness also, to not tell you that.
Sigh, having good social skills to know people can be a pain too.
You can only have so many friends, and managing these budding, so called 'new friendships' is also a task I'm not fond of.
You kinda need to filter these friends like your fb friend requests i think.
Of recent events, i think i'm getting more and more patriotic with each passing day. I was, of course, devastated by the election day's results. Really, really sad that night, couldn't fall asleep, literally.
Be that as it may, recent events of black as silent protests have really got me going. I see hope and a brighter future for us all. I'm happy.
Be that as it may, recent events of black as silent protests have really got me going. I see hope and a brighter future for us all. I'm happy.
Even so, I get a lil sad and down sometimes, but I'm glad i have a habit of keeping things to myself. I don't go and announce to my friends I'm sad or down or depressed - that's just not who I am.
Being silent might seem unhealthy for some, but IMO, i think it teaches me to be strong. It serves as a constant reminder that I have to stay strong for myself, for I do not fancy relying on others, nor do I like the idea of sharing my inner-most thoughts with people.
Ultimately, I can classify myself as a recluse. Though I hardly think of myself as an introvert - I can be rather noisy and active when I feel like it; and I enjoy being a lone wolf when i need some alone time.
Over the years, I've picked up different speech patterns from my friends. Indeed I was an introvert, many years ago, until i gradually picked up my friends' speech patterns for my own usage. I TALK COCK, then I think at some point, I became LC, but I don't think I'm arrogant actually, just LC, in the way I talk.
Mayhap I've offended lots of people along the way, but I just like being blunt and straightforward. But recently, I'm kinda reflecting on this, it's just, old habits are hard to be rid of. Or rather, they're already part of who I am now. I like being blunt and straightforward, but I think it might have been too much at times, that I may have been a jerk.
Sigh, at the age of 19, approaching 20. I'm not proud to say that I'm still doing my soul-searching, ie. I'm still unsure of what kind of guy I wanna be. It frustrates me every time I think about it.
See, I'm the kind of guy, who's so bold that he ain't afraid of dying or doing anything, which is why I don't really give a rat's ass as to how people think about me, well, usually, and in most cases. But recently, I conduct little surveys by asking a few friends what do they think about me, cuz I want to know whether my, so-called 'friends' are comfortable being around me.
Pretty much, I'll iterate that I'm perfectly capable of living alone and dying alone when the time comes, but of course, having a mate to sleep on the very same bed for the next couple of decades is a good thing to hope for, and to strive for. Though for years I've always been kind of sad when I think that I'm always, and always will be the kind of guy who's only good enough to be a friend, and nothing more.
Not to mention my mom who keeps on pressuring me about gf stuff, it does make me speechless and sad most of the time, but I do manage to cope with it. I guess at some point, I've already hinted that I might most probably live the rest of my life in my man-cave Alone.
And yes, should that scenario ever be my future, I'll just regret not being able to name my children Bruce and Scarlett. I told a couple of friends about this, and one of 'em told me these are good names to go with my last name. I'm glad actually. And sometimes, I do picture myself calling out their names. My imaginary kids look different each time i think about them, but the love of my life, that woman smiling behind my imaginary kids, she's always a blur. But she does always look like the woman of my dreams, yea, it's just a dream, and it may stay, just a dream.
At this point, I still can think of anyone who'd be willing to spend the rest her life with me. People say you'll find The One at some point in life. I doubt that. I think it's more to ourselves than destiny. I mean, what's destiny gonna do for your life, if she gives you a girl right in front of you, but you don't know how to cherish and grab the chance presented?
Haha, I try. I try hard in fact, and most of the time, I do realise I am no fun to talk with. It's obvious, rather obvious. It's sad, but I live with it. I've been living my whole life to this point with that in mind, what's there to lose?
And I do have so many things in mind that I wanna accomplish while I'm alive, that includes owning my very own house by the age of 30. My mom finished-off her instalment at the age of 25, she told me, I wonder if I can even reach my target of 30, let alone 25.
Which brings me to my Lamborghini dream. I pledge to myself, in the hopes that I could own a Lamborghini by 40. Haha, it's a big dream, and yes it seems so far far away. 20 years more - two decades more filled with so much doubts and uncertainties, I wonder if I could make it through, and if I could, with whom?
Will my current list of friends whom I hold so dear, walk with me till the ends of the earth? Until Death decides to take one of us away? I doubt it, but true friends stay true, and the bond stays strong and never wavers, I will it to be so, and wish it'll turn out so too.
I'm good at many things, it's like I have a natural affinity to many kinds of stuffs - these were always my confidence boosters, for my academic results were nothing to be proud of. But then, I wish I could be good at so many other stuffs as well. I'm even so greedy that, say, if I were given a magic lamp or 7 dragon balls to make a single wish, I'd wish "to know and understand all there is to know and understand in this world and universe; no knowledge will be out of my reach"
Haha, such a wild dream. And a very impossible one too. Say, if magic truly exists, I'd create or learn a spell that may grant me immortality just to pursue that dream of learning all but limitless knowledge. How nice if I could live for eons and learn and evolve. But witnessing the deaths of so so many loved ones can be a pain too.
This life I'm living, I think I'm very blessed, and for that, I'm truly grateful, and happy. I try to live a life with no regrets, but of course, we always have something that we regret doing or not doing. I always do, and I always do wish I could turn back the time and rewind things and incidents, to make things better.
And still, everything's a dream. AND IT'S TIME TO WAKE UP. i mean sleep.
***This post(and all of my blog posts actually) was(were) never intended for anyone to read, so if you somehow stumbled upon this by chance, thank you so much for reading. I'd very much like to meet you people who'd check my blog haha, it's just so surprising and exciting really.
***This is not an assignment, so I don't really do proofreading. And yes, I know there are grammatical errors, but I'm just too lazy to proofread what I wrote an hour ago. I just don't care, really.
Shinn
May 9th 2013. 2.50am